Truth or Dare
by lost0and0found
Summary: 'Jess, she's getting worse. She needs a marrow donor, but we all tested negative. Doctors say it's now or never. Believe me, I wouldn't be calling you if it weren't for Doula.' 'Luke, are you asking me to...' 'I'm asking you to be your sister's keeper, Jess.' Set a couple of months after episode 6x18. COMPLETE.
1. Morgan Stanley Children's Hospital

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, I make no profit out of them, saved for the emotional aspects of it:)  
**

**_AN/ Okay, guys, so this story is set a couple of months after episode 6x18, based in a way on the events in it._**

**_ I've changed some events, though - they happened in one way or another in the show, but I've made them a bit different in order to work for this story - Rory and Jess did _**_do something_**_ after the book signing; when Jess learned not everything had been fixed, they had a fight and she left. When she came back to Hartford, she broke up with Logan, but Jess didn't want to hear from her after what she had done.A couple of months after book signing, Jess receives a phone call from Luke, telling him his little sister Doula is sick and needs a bone marrow transplantation... Story goes from Jess' arrival in the hospital and revolves from there. Oh and Luke and Lorelai are married. I think that's all you need to know:)  
_**

**_Hope you enjoy! And please let me know what you think?:)_  
**

* * *

**_Jess_**

'Doctor Peterson in the ICU, doctor Peterson in the ICU...' one of the speakers above Jess' head crackled and then died out.

People in white coats passed him by hurriedly, one of them maybe doctor Peterson on his way to the intensive care unit. There was that weird _buzz_ that could be felt all around and that he wasn't part of. People helping the people, hurrying and brushing his shoulder occasionally, on their way to play God, save a soul... or maybe it was just happy hour in the canteen... There were also those other hurrying people, though in civil wear, supposedly patients' relatives, who passed him by - what were they late for? A goodbye? A long-delayed apology? All that act people put up just to silence their conscience. Huh, families reuniting and bonding through the harshness of life... or something. _Shit_.

Jess Mariano stood planted to the spot right next to the sliding doors, listening to the nerve-wracking sound as they kept opening and then closing just beside his side. He was staying numbly, facing the coffee machine by the entrance but in fact he was staring into the nothingness blindly, just another supporting column of the Morgan Stanley Children's Hospital.

_'Excuse me,'_ he had mumbled a few minutes ago, leaving his mother and uncle on the little sofa beside the hospital Reception counter. He had felt that old familiar urge to run away, get his backpack and hit the road, bail, disappear, leaving it all behind. He had mastered it, that running away thing, he had done it so many times he could almost taste the gasoline in the air as the bus starts to leave, there was a strange feeling of comfort in that smell. He could imagine the way watching Hartford's lights flicker goodbye would look if he took the next bus from that bus station he had spotted before Luke pulled the car at the hospital's parking lot.

The sliding doors opened and closed once again.

'How are you?' he felt a hand over his shoulder. Somehow the way Luke's hand weighed over Jess' shoulder had always made it easier to pull himself together and see things clearer. 'I know it all came as a shock. I'd get it if you don't want me around right now,' Luke added with a guilty vibe in his voice as he started to move his hand away.

'Stay.' Jess' voice came out a little hoarsely as he held Luke's hand over his shoulder for a brief moment before letting it go stiffly.

'Oh. Okay.' Luke mumbled awkwardly and shifted into a comfortable position, hands in his pockets, ready to spend some time standing there not saying anything, just... being around.

* * *

_**Luke**_

Luke Danes was a man of good reason who never thought letting your emotions show was something that really helped a man deal with a hard time. When his sister came crying into his diner, he offered her a chair. When she told him his little niece had to go to a hospital because she might have leukemia, he offered her his shoulder. When the doctors said Doula needed a bone marrow donor, he offered himself. And sometimes whatever he did, wouldn't be enough. Maybe this time was one of those times. But he had to take the chance.

* * *

**_Lorelai_**

Lorelai Gilmore was leaning back against a foyer column, playing with her silver chain necklace as she watched the interaction between her husband and his nephew. She had always wondered how that kid had managed to get himself all messed up and misunderstood and where the root to his anger with the world originated. She had only heard from Luke about how much Jess had matured into a young and actually decent fellow, how he had settled and started a life, wrote a book, had an actual job. From all she knew, Jess called - phoned or wrote an email occasionally, more often than not at all but not enough to really say he kept in touch... he had showed up before the wedding, congratulated them and faked an excuse to leave before any of the guests had arrived. She knew it was all designed to avoid a certain guest but when she questioned Luke, he had told her that it was between Jess and Rory and left her confused. So, there was something she didn't know and Luke knew. When she asked Rory what had happened, Rory's answer was 'It's complicated,' which was Lorelai's top hated answer to hear, especially when her daughter was one to deliver it. So, Rory and Jess did meet. Sometime before the wedding. And something happened. The same something that led to Rory and Logan splitting up? Most probably. When Lorelai asked Rory why she decided to leave Logan, her daughter's reply was 'We don't love each other anymore.' Lorelai knew her daughter well enough to tell that Rory wouldn't tell her anything more if pushed, so she waited.

* * *

_**Rory**_

Rory Gilmore rested her head back against the driver's seat of her Prius and let a breath out slowly. She had been rehearsing this. She had made up millions of different scenarios, but neither of them ended up well.

She watched as Jess went out and ran a hand through his hair. He was numb, she could tell. Just like... just like the last time she saw him.

_'I hate this.' _

_'You should. I'm sorry.'_

She shook her head, not wanting to relive the whole memory again. It had been playing on repeat in her head for months, and it hurt. And she couldn't blame it on him this time.

She had tried to call. He never answered. Ever since that night in Philly, she sent him letters. All of them came back with a _delivery declined_ note. And the worst part was she deserved it.

_'I thought everything was fixed.'_

_'Everything but him.'_

_'You came here alone to Philadelphia, you drove all the way here just to get a revenge fuck?'  
_

_'Jess, it's not like this, please lis...'  
_

_'You need to go now.'_

_'Jess...'_

_'_Don't_. Don't start this act on me, okay? You got what you came for. Now go.' _

The phone beep tore her from the memory, making her jump in her seat.

'Yeah, I'm already outside, mom. Coming in a minute,' Rory said absentmindedly as she watched Luke tap his nephew's shoulder and get in.

Jess lit a cigarette and crouched, leaning back against the coffee machine. She took a breath and got out of the car.

'Hey.' Rory said quietly as she approached the entrance. The transparent glass doors slid open before her and then closed again.

Jess looked up, torn from his serenity, the cigarette still smoking in his hand. Their eyes locked for a while. She had expected to see an angry flash in them, some accusation, maybe, it would be expected after the way they last parted, but she didn't. There was only that strange tiredness she felt in him. It made her hand quiver with a sudden urge to sit next to him and touch him - a cheek or shoulder touch, innocent and friendly, indicating she would do anything to comfort him right now and she was here for him if he needed her. However, she didn't want to push her chances with him, well aware that although he might not show it, he was still angry with her. _Deservedly_, she thought bitterly.

A beat of silence passed before Jess gave her a short nod and turned back towards the indefinite point he had been staring at before she came. Rory moved her weight from one foot to the other and then nodded back, although he couldn't see her. She knew that was as much as she would get out of him tonight and wondered if they would ever get to the point where they would be able to lead a normal conversation.

With a quiet 'I'll be inside,' she got in just as the slide doors began to open again.

* * *

**Doula**

The hospital room was rather small, but cosy in a way. It was painted in yellow and orange, and there was a bright rainbow painted right above the door.

The four-year-old was lying in her bed. A dim night lamp with the Looney Tunes characters had been left on.

'It's okay, Mr Bear,' Doula whispered to her favorite stuffed plush toy. 'Don't be afraid, I'll take care of you. Mommy said there was someone who was here to help us. We'll be okay.'

* * *

**Okay, guys, so here's the first chapter, hope it got you interested... I really hope it did. You know just how to let me know what you think:)**


	2. One True Sentence

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, I make no profit out of them.**

**Special thanks to everyone who took the time to review! Thank you, guys:):):)**

_A/N: This chapter has some more action **and** interaction between the characters /:P/, and I tried to include some comic relief at times, cause too much drama could be boring, and I don't wanna be like this /God forbid!:D/. This chapter is a little longer, I thought of dividing it in two, but didn't wanna split the scenes, cause I kind of think they make more sense if read all at once, so I hope there's enough dynamics in it to lead you through:)  
_

_ I'm trying both to keep everyone in character **and** fit them into my plot, but I believe at times they may be slipping away, so please don't be shy and tell me what you think, it really helps to have some feedback, the good and the not-so-good stuff - it's always helpful!:)_**  
**

**Hope you enjoy, guys, I really do!  
**

* * *

'Acute lymphoblastic leukemia is the most common malignancy in children. It consists of uncontrollable multiplying of immature white blood cells, crowding out the normal blood cells and...'

'Do you really have to talk while you're doing this?' Jess cut in, interrupting Dr. Kyle's small speech, winning a glare from the nurse as she handed Dr. Kyle the tourniquet bandage.

'Do you really have to be a smartass while I'm holding a syringe?' Dr. Kyle beamed back right before carefully pressing the needle against Jess' skin. Jess winced slightly but didn't say anything. He just watched as blood started filling the container.

Blood sample, blood smear, bone marrow biopsy, crossmatch testing... he knew the sequence, he had just signed the Informed Consent papers, although he felt like everything was happening in slow motion, watching himself hazily from a distance, like in a dream... but they would never buy that in court if he decided to plead unconsciousness, would they? Huh,_ of course anyone _would happily do this for their baby sister, the _least_ they could do, what kind of a _monster_ wouldn't?

'Ready?' Dr Kyle asked about ten minutes later, a trace of sympathy crossing his voice. He had forgiven Jess for being a smartass. Something like a deal for the pain he would have to cause him, even though for just a couple of seconds. Jess was lying bare chested, Lidocaine injected in the skin that covered his chest bone.

'Just do it,' Jess hissed just as he felt the needle go through his skin easily. It wasn't as bad as he had expected. So, anesthesia stood for something, after all.

'How are you feeling?' Dr. Kyle asked, observing Jess' features and giving a nod to the nurse to prepare a container.

'Peachy.'

'Okay, now it will hurt for a very short time.'

Before Jess had time to deliver another witty comment, his breath hitched in his throat and his eyes squeezed shut.

'Okay, we're done,' the doctor said as he inspected the bone marrow sample in the container, tapping Jess' shoulder.

Jess let a breath out.

* * *

_Two days later, Luke's Diner, Stars Hollow_

'I'm not talking to Liz, I'm not meeting TJ, I'm not doing brother-sister bonding stuff,' Jess said in a tone he could well use while walking a kid through a high voltage power factory. 'And, just to be clear, I'm doing this for you,' he added in the same tone.

Luke stood on the table across from his nephew and listened without objecting.

'I'm not meeting the kid,' Jess added, half expecting Luke to say something in return. Something about a family being a family through fire and rain and looking at this as a chance to leave old wounds in the past, or some crap like that. Damn, this whole situation was getting on his nerves. Couldn't they just put him to sleep and wake him up when all of this was over? Nah, guess they couldn't.

Luke's eyebrows furrowed, but he kept silent.

_The kid_. _Not his sister. Not Doula._

Maybe it was easier for Jess to do this as an abstract act of humanity to just a random kid, putting aside the fact that this particular one was his sister Doula and her mother wasn't just a random woman Jess had never met in his life. Liz. She had managed to screw her relationship with Jess in every possible way, the biggest favor she had done for him being sending him to spend his high school senior year with his uncle. Everything that Jess had built up in his life, he owned to himself. But to Doula, Liz had been good. Stars Hollow was a good place to raise a kid and Liz had found her balance, if you could put it that way. She had gone through hell through the last few months and Luke was a little surprised to see how stoically she had taken everything that had happened.

'Okay,' Luke nodded and his answer seemed to surprise Jess a little as he tore his eyes from the cigarette pack he had been fiddling with and his eyebrows lifted.

'Okay?' Jess asked disbelievingly.

'Okay,' Luke repeated calmly.

'_Okay_,' Jess said to himself quietly, as if getting adjusted to the idea, letting a breath he didn't realize he had been holding.

* * *

Liz Danes put the phone down and wiped her cheek. Okay. This was gonna be okay... right? Or maybe not. TJ had just called from the hospital. Doula was febrile and her platelets were getting low. Liz felt her palms get sweaty, her throat run dry and her heart pounded loudly in her ears. Long suppressed fears started to emerge to the surface of her mind.

She searched blindly through the kitchen drawers for the Valerian tablets she remembered putting somewhere under the shelf with Doula's cornflakes . Her hands felt around frantically until a familiar feeling spread through her body as she grasped the cooking brandy bottle TJ had left on a shelf last time he and Doula made cake. Liz's mind snapped.

* * *

_Meanwhile in Luke's diner_

'Mmm, I can't pick. Mom, what do you say?'

Lorelai stole a glance at her daughter above her menu and gave her a wink before faking hard thinking and saying in a tone louder than usual.

'Oh, boy, I don't know, let me ask that young stud over there.'

Rory made a face at her mother's stud reference but played along, anyway.

'What should a decent customer do to get some proper service here,' Rory sighed theatrically.

'I don't know,' Lorelai replied, fixing Luke and holding his gaze boldly, 'what about marrying the owner?'

'Good point,' Rory nodded appreciatively just as Luke approached them, a towel over his shoulder.

'Can I get you anything?' Luke asked a little wearily.

'You finished with the other clients?' Lorelai asked innocently. Luke blinked twice and then looked around.

'_You_ are my only clients,' he pointed out. 'It's past nine p.m., everyone's gone.'

'That's too nice to hear,' Lorelai beamed at him, 'cause I was like hoping to ask you over after you finish work.'

Luke's eyebrows furrowed slightly.

'You know,' Lorelai continued, 'come to my place, have dinner, watch a movie, massage my feet, et cetera.'

'You cooked?' Luke asked half shocked, half alarmed. 'Jess, come help me close up?' he asked loudly over his shoulder and then turned back to Lorelai. 'I thought we had agreed on that question...'

'We did,' Lorelai beamed, leaving her menu on the table and standing up to lace her hand through Luke's. 'And that's why I'm so lucky to have a husband who always has supper left overs from his diner. Come on, Danes, I'm taking you home,' she added with a playful wink just as the door to the diner opened and a crying Liz appeared in the middle of the room.

'Luke, we have to go to Hartford,' Liz whined in between sniffs, taking hold of the back of a chair in order to keep her balance.

'Luke, you really need to fix that grill...' Jess appeared from the kitchen, flipping a towel over his shoulder, and stopped midway. His eyes took in the picture of Liz's messy hair, her hazy eyes and slightly slowed motions and before anyone had time to say anything, Jess shoved the towel over the counter noisily and turned to leave. He knew that glitter in his mother's eyes well enough to decipher what it meant. He had once sworn to himself that he'd never have to see it again. Ever.

'Luke, TJ called...' Liz started but didn't have the chance to finish.

'Liz, have you been _drinking_?' Luke asked disbelievingly, moving closer to his sister just to smell brandy.

'Doula...' Liz sniffed, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. 'Doula is febrile, we have to... we have to go.'

For a moment Luke seemed frozen, unable to make a decision.

'I'll get the car,' Lorelai said firmly and started for the door. That seemed to wake Luke up and he turned to Rory.

'Rory, will you walk Liz to the car, I'll get Jess.'

Rory nodded and took Liz's arm.

'Come on, Liz, we're going to Hartford.'

Luke knocked on the door but no one answered.

'Jess?' Luke asked pleadingly. 'Jess, I know you're mad, but she's been clean, I swear... Jess?'

'Jess is gone,' Luke announced evenly as he sat on the driver's seat of his pickup a couple of minutes later.

* * *

The trees dissolved into a golden brown sequence, forming an autumn chain to outline the highway. The moon's ends were sharp, ready to hook another poet's sentimental rhyme about the horny crescent, sailing through a cloudless sky... or something. Whoever had invented poetry, had too much free time and a really lame sense of humor.

Jess's eyes roamed aimlessly out through the bus window. He breathed in, sensing the subtle gasoline scent, he could almost taste it. It sent a mixture of comfort and sadness over his whole body, focusing somewhere in his chest. There was this thing about partings - you felt a twisted sense of domination when you left first, making yourself believe that distance made you untouchable. That through losing, you actually won something. If you survived this loss, you'd survive anything that came next... right? Why was it then that he felt like he was drilling holes instead of filling the blanks?

He remembered reading somewhere that empty spaces in a man were more than the solid matter, cause what was a man,if not a bunch of atoms? The empty space between the atomic cloud of an atom and its nucleus was just that: a range of possibilities.

Jess' musings were interrupted by a sudden push of the brakes and he had to stretch an arm to prevent his head from bumping into the front seat. The few people in the bus uttered something in protest before the driver raised his voice.

'Get out of the way, _freak_!' he shouted angrily, blowing the horn continually. 'Oh, no, she's coming, it's full of nut jobs _everywhere_, even Connecticut isn't spared anymore,' he continued muttering under his breath.

The bus door opened and a woman got in, met by the driver's angry voice.

'What do you think that you're doing, woman! Get your freaking car out of the way before I've called the police!'

'I'll be quick, I promise. Sorry for the inconvenience, everybody,' Rory said, turning to the passengers with an apologetic smile as she made her way to Jess' seat.

Jess was watching her dumbfound, expecting to wake up any minute now.

'Jess, can we talk?' she asked quietly and bit her lip, her eyes pleading.

'Sure,' he snorted, 'have a seat and gimme popcorn,' he mocked icily while glaring right back into her eyes. '_This is not fucking happening,_' he muttered to himself, shaking his head.

'Look, _Missy,_' the driver's sturdy figure overlooked Rory from a close proximity. 'Either you get outta my bus _right away_, or I'm calling the cops. No, wait, I'm calling them anyway, I just wrote down the registration number of your car! Now g-e-t _o-u-t_!' he raised his voice. 'Both of you!' he snarled, turning to Jess.

* * *

'_Screw you_, Rory!' Jess yelled, kicking the back tire of her Prius as he watched the bus make a semicircle and go past them, soon disappearing in the distance. 'What did you fucking think you were doing?'

'I'm kidnapping you,' Rory stated simply, standing propped against the side door of the Prius with her arms crossed, looking pretty calm, which only added gasoline to the fire in Jess' head.

'What!.' Jess couldn't believe his ears. 'Jeez, you're completely insane!'

'Thank you,' Rory answered, looking back at him with a little, though slightly sad smile.

Jess rubbed his temples with his thumb and middle finger, trying to regain his cool.

'You know what? I'm not doing this,' he shook his head and bent to take his backpack. 'I'm not playing this game,' he sighed as he walked by her and put the backpack over his shoulder.

'It's not a game, Jess,' Rory said quietly to his back and for a second she thought he slowed his pace before he passed her by completely.

* * *

'You know, you've been walking for half an hour now and not a single car passed by,' Rory said through the open window of her Prius.

Jess was still walking on the side of the highway, ignoring Rory who was driving along with a speed so slow that was sure to be killing the engine.

'Not a single one,' Rory singsonged, asking herself exactly how angry was he and what part of his anger was meant for her only and not for Liz.

To her surprise, Jess stopped abruptly and dropped his backpack to the ground, turning left to face her.

She stopped the engine and looked up to inspect his features. He had suddenly switched from mad to sad. He looked like... like he was about to start crying. Or yelling. Rory couldn't really tell yet. She winced involuntarily.

'Rory, what do you want from me?' he asked slowly in a tone that made her shiver.

'I...' she started but her throat suddenly felt dry. She licked her lower lip and took a breath. 'I want you to know that you're not alone in this,' she said at last, keeping the eye lock.

* * *

'Here we are,' Rory announced, pulling the car off to the side of the road.

Jess looked around from the passenger seat and sighed.

'Great, now we're picking apples,' Jess groaned, leaning his forehead over his fist and banging his head a couple of times against it.

'Follow me, Little Red Cap,' Rory gave him a wave as she took the car keys and got out of the car. 'I know a place,' she said over her shoulder as she heard the passenger door close behind her and switched the display of her mobile on so that it lit her way.

'You know a place,' Jess repeated evenly. He was feeling as if he had been thrown into a video game or something, everything sounded more and more surreal with every passing minute.

'_And now she's taking me into the woods,_' he muttered as he put his hands into his pockets and followed.

In a couple of minutes they reached a slope overlooking the river. There was a wooden bridge, reminding him of the one back at the Hollow, and lights along the riverside, so that the whole picture seemed fairytale-like.

'I couldn't provide a sea, but I hope Connecticut river will do the job,' Rory said before starting down the slope, careful not to slip. 'Oh, and I'm not drowning you, in case you're wondering,' she added over her shoulder as she almost reached the base of the slope.

Jess narrowed his eyes and followed reluctantly.

He flipped with his Zippo a couple of times before lighting a cigarette. They were on the bridge and he was at a loss what they were doing here.

Rory looked up from the bridge's edge where she was sitting, her feet dangling freely above the water.

'Remember when you came to show me _'The Subsect'_ in my grandma's house, eight months ago?' she asked. He didn't answer. Rory looked ahead to the river. 'I was a mess back then and you... you were right, you knew me better than anyone. I wasn't myself back then, doing the things I did, putting up with life choices that I used to despise...' she licked a lip and turned back to him. 'And I... sometimes _I_ know _you_ better than anyone,' she smiled coyly. 'I know that if you leave now, you're not looking back, but... I'm not sure that's you. I just don't want you taking this decision when you're so angry, okay?' she asked and smiled apologetically. 'Sorry I had to kidnap you to be able to tell you that.'

Jess' cigarette was burning his fingers and he crouched, putting it down against the bridge and throwing the butt into the water. He stood silently, watching it float over the smooth surface of the water until he felt Rory's hand over his. He immediately tensed up and his jaw clenched, but didn't pull away.

_''Do not worry. All you have to do is write one true sentence. Write the truest sentence that you know, and then go on from there,''_ Rory quoted quietly before pulling her hand away, standing up. 'I'll take a walk, leave you think... or not think, it's your choice to make, really,' she added before walking away.

When he looked to the place where her hand had just been, he found the car key lying over the back of his hand.

Maybe it was the Hemingway reference. Maybe it wasn't. But something in Jess' chest shifted.

* * *

'As a kidnapper,' Jess said as he turned the key to start the engine, 'you're doing an extremely poor job. You realize that, right?' he lifted his eyebrows and checked on her, steering the car back onto the highway.

Rory chuckled.

'I guess it's against the rules to let the hostage drive, yeah,' she admitted and then, suddenly, burst into laughter.

Jess' eyebrows quirked and for a second he thought she had completely lost it, but then he felt a tingling feeling stir in his stomach and crawl up his body, pulling the ends of his lips up as he listened to her sincere laughter.

'What?' he asked, trying to hold back a smile.

Rory couldn't answer, she just shook uncontrollably and her fit was getting contagious.

'Do you...' she wiped a tear and took a breath, trying to calm down, 'do you imagine if I had run out of gas... while trying to talk you into getting into the car?' she asked breathlessly and started laughing again.

Completely against his will, Jess _chuckled_. He couldn't remember last time when he had really smiled. It was post-affective hysteria... or some crap like that. Surely. But, right now, it felt damn too well.

As their breathing evened, he looked sideways at her and bit back a smile, brown eyes locking with blue. He had a witty comment on the top of his tongue, but it somehow slipped away and he just stood dumbly, watching her smile. A moment passed before he concentrated back on the road, a quiet voice whispering,_ 'What the fuck is going on?'_ at the back of his mind.

* * *

** "It was easy then because there was always one true sentence that I knew or had seen or had heard someone say."**

**Earnest Hemingway**

* * *

******Reviews /good or bad/ are always appreciated:):):) Please let me know what you think...  
**


	3. Cold Water

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, only my imagination.

A/N: **Special thanks to everyone who took the time to leave a review! And to ekosiska and Guest who I couldn't pm personally, but to whom am truly thankful for their lovely reviews:) You make me smile! :) :) :)**

**_Recap: _**Set a couple of months after episode 6x18. Rory and Jess did _do something_ after the book signing; when Jess learned not everything had been fixed, they had a fight and Rory left. When she came back to Hartford, she broke up with Logan, but Jess didn't want to hear from her after what she had done.**__****_  
_**

**_Okay, so in this chapter there will be some of the M this story is rated for... you've been warned:)_**

* * *

_He looped a hand round her waist and flipped them over so that he overlooked her, using his free hand for support. She lay beneath him, so fragile and naive, but so sleek and expecting at the same time. She reached a hand up to touch him, featherlight but yet sending chills all the way down his spine, slowly running two fingers along his jawline, lips, chin, voice box, clavicle, down his chest, as if she was trying to memorize him with her fingertips... He fought the urge to grab, to rush and leave instincts guide his moves;_ _he wouldn't rush. Maybe cause there were those two major instincts that led separate lives within him - the demanding one that desired to have her, fill her, mark her; and the gentle one that craved to protect her, if even from himself._

_ She watched him with her eyes wide, taking in the sight of him, sinking deeper in her and in their eye lock, leaving traces directly in her soul. She was breathing shallowly through half parted lips, her eyes going hazy.  
_

_He leaned forward, brushing his lips against hers before tracing her jaw line with his thumb, holding her face between his palms as he started leaving open-mouth kisses down her neck, taking his time, careful not to rush. He wouldn't rush. As he reached her pulse spot, he sucked in gently, pressing her more into him. She bit a lip and her palms pressed harder against the smooth skin of his back. He felt her moan by the vibrations over his lips even before the actual sound had reached his ears._

_Nothing could compare to the feeling of her shuddering beneath him. Nothing in his life had ever stood even close to that feeling, physically or emotionally._

Jess opened his eyes to find himself lying on his belly with his face against the pillow, clutching wildly at the headboard of the bed with one hand, while the other one was buried somewhere under the messy covers. His whole body was tensed up, each muscle burning and aching in search for a release.

'_Goddamn it, Mariano,_' he sighed in frustration, shifting to sit in the bed. He ran both of his hands through his hair and then down his face, trying to regain control over his own mind and body. The motel room was empty and quiet, but his ears were pounding with blood and his pulse thumped loudly, echoing in his skull.

As he walked into the bathroom, he turned the shower on and walked under it, regardless he still had his briefs on.

'_Shit,_' he hissed as cold water started running down his heated body. He held on to the faucet and leaned his forehead against the shower slide bar, letting a breath out, concentrating on the erratic rhythm of his heartbeat. He felt a hostage in his own body.

_Damn _her! Damn _him_! He had been good. Not peachy, but good. Bearable. At least he hadn't had _this_ kind of dreams for a good while. Ever since their intercourse after the book signing, Jess had established a no-reminiscence policy, trying to spare himself from pointless crumbling over the past, rethinking and replaying it all, wondering what he could have done differently...

Work distractions did the job somehow during the day, when he managed to forcefully occupy his mind with tasks at the Truncheon and stuff, but when he fell asleep, _these_ dreams started to emerge from the back of his mind, making him relive the whole memory over and over again. As if some cruel, masochistic part of him was trying to remind him how pathetic and insignificant any joy or success he could ever achieve was, compared to what he had felt that night. So, he tried to keep his nights occupied, too, starting a one-night stand succession that made Matt and Chris wonder if he was going for a world record or something. Whether it was for the released physical tension or the healing power of time, in a while Jess stopped having _the dreams_.

_Damn_, he had been good, what had gotten into him again? Meeting her definitely hadn't helped his forgetfulness. Huh, as if he would ever be able to forget that blue haze that stabbed deep into all weak spots, slicing his heart with an ease that terrified him.

It wasn't _seeing_ her, it was _feeling_ for her again that had brought all these memories back. The other night, in the car, he felt his heart _cringe_ for her, and there he had thought that there was no way this would be happening again, not after last time...

_Holy crap_...

* * *

'Hey,' Rory popped her head through the ajar hospital room door and then her whole body followed.

Jess looked up from the book he had been reading and then focused back on it, muttering a nonchalant 'Hey' without establishing eye contact.

'I brought you something,' Rory said proudly as she approached his bed and put a paper package next to his knees, tilting slightly to capture the title of the book he was reading._ 'The Road to Life'_. Makarenko. 'That's some serious stuff,' she noted, smiling with appreciation.

His eyes darted up and then towards the package before he took it to put over the nightstand without opening it to inspect the contents.

'Thanks,' he mumbled, sinking back into the pillow and into his book.

Rory studied his face for a while before slowly making her way to the window. She stood there for a while, keeping silent, looking at the leaf-carpeted hospital yard. The wind took a bunch of leaves, whirled them up in synch and then threw them aside in different directions.

'I know you're still mad at me,' Rory sighed, her hands fidgeting with the lace of her purse. 'Deservedly,' she added bitterly, turning her head back to sneak a glance at Jess who was now facing her with his eyebrows crooked up. She looked down again, focusing on her own fidgeting fingers. She had rehearsed this, and she never managed to finish this confession in her head. Not once. Somehow, every time she tried to imagine what he would say, it felt fake. 'We never talked about it, and...' she bit her lip and kept it between her teeth for a while, stealing a glance to check on him. His eyes pinned her to the wall, void of any emotion. She took a breath. 'I tried to apologize but you didn't answer and...'

'Rory, what are you talking about?' Jess cut in incredulously, and either he was truly bewildered, or he faked it damn too well, catching Rory completely off guard. What was it she was talking about, again?

'Oh,' she bit her lip, 'I... I meant that night at...' she swallowed dryly, '... at Truncheon,' she finished, feeling increasingly embarrassed. Exposed. Desperately waiting for a reaction.

_Did anyone just suck in all the air in the room?_

She almost wished he had reacted angrily instead of... instead of _this_. Had he really _forgotten_? Six months. Half an year. Had it been so long? Cause she could still feel him sour-sweet over her lips, his kiss still lingering at the corner of her mouth, his breath against the crook of her neck, his palms molding her to him, skin to skin, breath for breath... She blinked a couple of times. Fast. Trying to chase the memory away.

_ Really embarrassing._

'Ah,' Jess seemed to dig out the memory from the bottom of his mind, 'don't worry about this,' he said with an ease that could've well won him an Oscar and confused her completely. 'One-night stands happen between exes,' he said matter-of-factly, 'I think it's kind of a given,' he added reassuringly, making her blood freeze and boil up immediately afterwards. _One night stand? A given?. Yeah, Houston? Anyone? _What was she missing here?_  
_

'Jess, it wasn't a one-night...' she couldn't even bring herself to say it. It sounded so wrong. _With him_ it would _never_ sound right. 'It _wasn't_,' she repeated stubbornly. He had been there with her, right? _That_ kind of stuff wasn't just... it didn't happen like... or did it?

Jess chuckled humorlessly.

'Then, what was it, Rory?' he asked coldly, analytically, a little mockingly, his eyes seeing right through her.

She opened her mouth and then closed it, unable to find the right words.

'Look, I'm sorry if you read too much into it...' he started, shaking his head, but she didn't let him finish.

'I'm not,' she said, leaving him dumfound for a second. 'I'm not sorry,' she repeated, feeling her blood rush to her face uncontrollably. 'And,' she continued boldly, driven by some spur of the moment courage, finally feeling free to admit it at least for her own sake, if not for his, 'I'm happy you didn't care to answer when I called, cause I didn't really want to apologize, I just wanted to...' she paused to search for a word, but then she met his cold gaze, traced by... was that _pity_?... _Something here went very wrong_, a subconscious voice told her. '_Whatever_,' she sighed, shook her head and started to leave before her eyes had failed her.  
'Oh, and,' she turned back just before she went out, still blushing fiercely with hurt and anger, 'for a one night stand this has been going on four years too long, just so you know,' she finished and closed the door shut after herself.

Jess stood for a while, watching the door she had just gone out through, and then dropped his head down, trying to concentrate back on his book, wondering if she had noticed the way his eyes undressed, roamed, touched and marked her, if her skin had burnt everywhere he remembered touching it, if she had sensed how a part of him jumped up with joy at the way she went all mad... _So wrong_, a voice whispered at the back of his mind.

* * *

It was after midnight when he put Makarenko down and reached over to the nightstand to switch off the light. His hand brushed against the paper package she had brought and he drew it back instinctively.

It was staying right where he had put it, silently mocking his absurd reaction. This was, beyond stupid, playing fight or flee with a _paper package_.

Jess shook his head and grabbed the handles a little more abruptly than he had to.

A book. Okay. Not really a shocker, he had kind of expected it.

'_Catcher In the Rye'. _An old edition, he could tell... A _first_ edition. Huh.

He held the dog-eared book in his hands, wondering if he should open it at all. He had read it before, of course, at least four times, two of which in a row, so he could well recite whole paragraphs of it. However, he knew that, if he started reading it _now_, he would somehow connect it to _her_, and, sure as hell, he didn't need _that_.

_'God, how I hate this,'_ he thought bitterly, and, to his surprise, a subconscious voice answered, _'No, you don't. You love that she cares. Or at least the thought that she does. What you hate is that she may act like this and yet not care.'_

Great. Now he had _voices_ in his head. It was too damn quiet in these hospital rooms, it was _bound_ to drive people nuts.

Jess shook his head and opened the book with one swift movement before he froze. Notes in the margins. It had _her notes_ in the margins.

He hung his head back, closed his eyes and chuckled. _Touche_.

* * *

**_'I thought you hated the theater?'_**  
**_ 'I also hate the sight of blood, but it's in my veins.'_**

**"Limelight" (1952), Ch. Chaplin**

* * *

**You know exactly how to let me know what you think:)  
**


	4. Hide And Seek

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, I'm only playing with them. I make no profit out of this.**

_A/N:** Special thanks** **to everyone who reviewed** this story and made me shine:):):) **Also **Biig thanks to **OkayI'mInsane** and **Karen** whom I couldn't pm personally:)_

**Recap: A couple of months after book signing, Jess receives a phone call from Luke, telling him his little sister Doula is sick and needs a bone marrow transplant...**

**_'I'm not talking to Liz, I'm not meeting TJ, I'm not doing brother-sister bonding stuff. And, just to be clear, I'm doing this for you.'_**

**_'Okay.' _**

**_'Okay?'_**

**_'Okay.'_**

* * *

Jess opened his eyes and they stung. He had stood up late, reading, and his brain now felt like an aquarium.

_ Heck, what time is it?_

He rubbed his temples and shifted to check on the clock on the nightstand, but felt something weigh over his chest. Quite literally.

He looked down to find a skinny kid in green Shrek pajamas sitting on a chair beside his bed, her upper body leaning over his. Her hands were crossed over his chest and her chin was propped over them. Her scalp was devoid of hair, which made her circled brown eyes all the more expressive. Somehow she looked _nice_. He couldn't define it, but something about her_ felt_ familiar. Odd.

'Hi,' the girl said in a tone that implied she had been expecting him to wake up.

Jess shifted slowly to sit in the bed, making her draw back, though she didn't move away completely, leaving her palms rest on the edge of the bed.

'Sure you didn't lie over the wrong chest?' Jess squinted in challenge and studied her pale face.

She frowned, thinking his question over seriously.

'How can you lie over a wrong chest?' she asked, instead of replying.

'You know, it was dark and all,' he quipped with a nonchalant shrug.

She continued inspecting him as if he were a museum specimen or something. Okay, did _he_ just answer _her_ question? _She_ should've been answering _his_.

'Who are you?' he asked before she had time to ask him something else.

He was getting uncomfortable under her scrutiny. After all, she had spent god-knows-how-much-time in his room for god-knows-what-reason, so _she_ was the one that had to explain herself.

'You're Jess,' she concluded, studying his eyes intently. Hers looked just like his, she must have noticed. Jess did. It was like looking at your own reflection. And for some reason, she seemed to take that as some proof of his identity.

'So it's written in my ID. And you're Doula.'

She grinned. Not just a smile. A _grin_. For some reason she felt proud he knew her name. Again, this feeling. He thought she _felt_ familiar and she looked _pretty_ when she smiled... _Oh, please_.

'And this is Mr Bear.'

'Shrewd name,' Jess noted absentmindedly as he threw a sideways glance at the stuffed toy that lay on the bed beside his left knee. 'What are you doing here?' he asked directly.

Doula stood silent for a moment and then tilted her head to the side, letting out a coy smile.

'I wanted to see you.'

'How come?' Jess asked, his eyebrows furrowing in disbelief.

'Just... wanted to,' she answered shyly, giving him the slightest shrug.

Jess blinked a couple of times. She kept looking at him with... was that, was that _admiration_?. God knows what crap they had told her about her brave caring big brother coming to save his beloved baby sister from the bad disease... _Jeez_.

'Well, you saw me, now what?' he asked and crossed his hands before his chest.

'Can I stay? Just for a while, until...'

'No,' he interrupted firmly. _I can't be your hero,kid._

'Come see you later?'

'No.'

'Can you read to me?'

'No.'

'You can't read?'

'No.'

'How come you're a writer and you can't read?' she squinted.

'No, I _can_ read and no, I _won't_ read to you,' he clarified coldly. _So, they told you that I write. What else?_

'Why?'

'Because.'

'Just one paragraph?'

'No.'

'One sentence?'

'No!'

'A word?'

He just gave her a look.

'What about playing hide and seek?' she tried with enthusiasm.

For some reason she didn't take offense of his refusals. She even seemed to _enjoy_ them.

_ What's wrong with you, kid?_

For a moment he asked himself if things would be any different if Liz had stayed with his uncle in Stars Hollow when she was pregnant with him. Honestly, Jess found the place creepy, but he couldn't deny it was not the worst place in the world to raise a kid. At least until they grew up to maintain a stable brain function and bail.

'Okay,' he conceded.

'Okay?' she repeated, surprised he had agreed on something at all.

'Okay,' he affirmed seriously. 'You go hide first. Come on, before I've opened my eyes,' he said encouragingly, closing his eyes.

He waited for about ten seconds and then opened his eyes, a smug smile starting up the corners of his mouth.

'You found me!' Doula lifted her hands in the air cheerfully, jumping up from the chair next to his bed.

Jess' smile stilled. _She must be really taking after that Donkey character_, he thought sulkily.

'You didn't hide,' Jess pointed out.

'You wouldn't look for me,' Doula admitted, sitting back in the chair beside his bed.

'I would,' Jess shrugged, 'Eventually,' he added and she chuckled, putting her hand before her lips girlishly. She had a big digital watch on her wrist that drew Jess' attention. As she traced his look, she stretched her hand before her eyes and looked at the watch, and her smile broke suddenly.

'I have to go,' she said and ran out of the room before Jess had time to say anything.

Her sudden disappearance left the room somewhat quieter than before and Jess wondered for a second if she had been there at all. As he rested back into his pillow,his fingertips brushed over a soft hairy texture beside his left knee. He looked down.

_Seems Cinderella left us hanging, Mr Bear._

Jess took the stuffed bear in his hand and lifted it before his eyes, inspecting it curiously.

* * *

'She's on chemo,' the nurse answered absentmindedly while dragging a mobile infusion support out of the room and passed him by at the door.

Jess stood in the empty hospital room and looked around. It had balloons and flowers and '_Get Back Home Soon_' cards on the nightstand. There were also books. A shelf of them. A dozen or maybe more. Jess' jaw tightened. He approached the bed. One of the cards had a picture of Kirk waving a hand in the air while coyly trying to kneel next to Paul Anka and smile in the meantime. Jeez, that man was a walking anecdote. There was also a photo of TJ and Doula swaying Liz on a tire swing. The three of them were laughing; Doula's hair was at shoulder length and blonde just like her mother's. Jess turned the toy in his hands and at last left it on the pink pillow, shook his head and left.

* * *

It was late and Jess was lying awake in his bed.

The light was off and the room was dark saved for the scarce streetlight that came in through the window. He was still awake when he heard the door open slowly. He didn't move; he had half expected her to come but hadn't planned on any particular reaction.

She put Mr Bear on his chest and took hold of the bed armrest to be able to climb over the bed and sit next to his knees. She looked at him and put the stuffed bear in her lap without tearing her eyes from him. Jess didn't move. His eyes had fixed her the moment she had climbed on and hadn't twitched since.

'I know you're awake,' Doula said quietly. He didn't answer. 'Thanks for getting Mr Bear back. He gets a little scared when he's alone,' she admitted.

'Do you?' Jess asked and she quivered, not really expecting him to say anything back. Then she thought for a moment and shrugged.

'I'm not a baby,' she said in grown-up Dakota Fanning fashion.

'You're four.'

'Almost five,' she corrected him.

'Still four,' he insisted.

'I'm outgrowing my age,' she said with the same flair of importance that made him smirk.

'Says who, Miss Patty?' he mocked.

'You know Miss Patty?' she exclaimed in surprise, forgetting about the grown-up flair.

He didn't answer. This kid was a question machine and he'd better not get her started.

'You know a place where I can smoke?' he changed topic, instead. She frowned.

'Like smoke a cigarette?' she asked.

'No, like setting myself slowly on fire,' he mocked, 'but now that you mention a cigarette, sounds appealing, too,' he stood up to sit in the bed and waved nonchalantly.

Doula chuckled, ducking her head slightly.

'Come on,' she waved as she moved to climb off the bed, dragging Mr Bear after herself.

'Where are you taking me?' Jess groaned after ten minutes of going up dark stairs and sneaking round ward corners. _I should've waved you off the moment you walked in my room, kid,_ he sighed inwardly.

'I've been here for months,' Doula whispered conspiratorially, taking the hem of his tee and pulling him after herself. 'I know every corridor here,' she said and then looked up to him. 'Trust me.'

_I don't even know you, kid._

And suddenly Jess' mind clicked into gear. It wasn't her. It was that _feeling_ around her that felt familiar. In another room, years ago, he had felt the same way around another girl - _curious_. For some reason, he felt curious about this skinny kid in Shrek pajamas, and this fact was somewhat alarming in itself. He didn't just get _curious_ about people. He was generally uninterested. Heck, he embodied a whole new level of universal disinterest, how come she was an exception? Maybe it was her openness. It somehow disarmed him. And maybe it was her spontaneous and naive belief that he was more than he pretended to be that appealed to him. _Dangerous_, a subconscious warned. But, on the other hand, she was just a kid, she couldn't have a purpose... or at least he hoped so, cause she led and he followed.

'Here we are,' Doula said, opening a metal door at the end of the staircase and stepping out, dragging him after herself. Jess bent down so that his head didn't hit the metal door frame and found himself standing on the roof of the Morgan Stanley Children's Hospital.

He walked around, approaching the safety rail and leaning his elbows over it. There was quite a view. Space. Air. Horizon. _This_ was good for your health and not sitting on a bench facing a bush. Huh, he could bet this roof terrace was strictly banned for patients.

Jess dug in the pocket of his jeans to take out a cigarette pack and a lighter. He flipped his Zippo and lit, pulling at the cigarette, enjoying the first nicotine wave as it filled his lung. Then he realized Doula wasn't pulling at the end of his tee anymore and looked back to find her still standing next to the metal door.

'You scared, Carlson?' he asked, pulling once more at his cigarette.

'I don't like heights,' she explained diplomatically.

_Sure_, he thought, as megalopolis as Stars Hollow is, its highest building was no more than four floors, as far as he remembered.

He walked back to the metal door and sat down, leaning back against the wall. Doula sat next to him, observing him intently. He was starting to think this kid was trying to solve a Jess puzzle or something, the way she absorbed his every move and all.

'Wanna try?' he asked, gesturing with the cigarette towards her.

She frowned with a mixture of surprise and amusement.

'I'm four,' she reminded.

'Almost five,' he raised his eyebrows and shrugged.

Doula's eyes glinted and a smile floated on her lips before she turned to the toy in her lap and raised it before her eyes.

'Mr Bear, I think we like him, what do you think?'

* * *

**Review, maybe?:)**


	5. Vice Versa

Disclaimer: Nothing's mine, I'm poor and don't even own the song quote I've used in this chapter - it's 'Angels On The Moon' by Thriving Ivory, not mine...

A/N: _Special thanks to everyone who took the time to read and review, you're amazing! Hope you enjoy!_

* * *

'Rory painted them for me,' Doula said proudly as she traced Jess' look towards her nails, painted each in a different color. 'Do you like them?' she asked with girlish curiosity.

He shrugged nonchalantly and looked ahead, pulling at his cigarette. They were sitting on the roof, leaning back against the wall. The sky was cloudy and the air was thick with the smell of oncoming rain.

'I'm a guy,' he said as-a-matter-of-factly, 'I don't really care about nail polish.'

They stood in silence for a while before Doula spoke again.

'Jess, why don't you talk to her?' she asked quietly and threw him a sideways glance, sensing he wouldn't want to answer that particular question.

'Who.' Jess asked evenly, although he knew exactly who she was referring to. Actually, it was more of a statement, an indirect _'don't go there'_ warning, than it was a real question. Who. Period.

'You know who,' Doula insisted cautiously. 'Why don't you talk to mom, Jess?' she repeated and his jaw clenched.

A beat passed with neither of them talking. He took a long drag of his cigarette and his eyes narrowed as he let the smoke out slowly.

'Cause we don't have anything left to say to each other,' he said at last and his voice came out harder than he had planned to.

Doula bit a lip and looked up at him again.

'She's sorry she was a bad mom to you,' she said in a tiny voice, as if making an apology.

Jess stubbed the cigarette butt abruptly and moved to stand up.

'She told you that, huh?' Jess glared, suddenly agitated, _disgusted_.

_So, that's what this was all about? Forgive poor regretful Liz... use helpless ill Doula as a messenger... Really? So fuckin' twisted, Liz. Even for ya. Fuckin' twisted.  
_

'No,' Doula said shaking her head vigorously, confused by his sudden frustration, 'I heard them talking with dad,' she started explaining quickly, and stood up, too, not sure what exactly she had said wrong to alarm him so much, 'and he asked why you were never staying with us and she told him it wasn't your fault, it was her fault because she was bad to you and made you be the parent and you were just a kid and she was sorry and you were a good boy and... and...' she paused exasperatedly to take a breath.

His eyes must have flashed with anger, because she took hold of the seam of his jeans, the little hand gripping firmly, eyes wide and pleading.

'Please, Jess, don't be mad,' she apologized, urgency tracing her voice, 'I'm sorry I asked you about mom, please, Jess, let's read again...'

_Jess, I'm sorry... I'll promise you anything... Don't go, Jess... Jess, stay on the roof, stay with me, read some more from this book you've been carrying around with you, - did you... did you carry it around for **me**? Jess, Mr Bear gets really sad when you're not around... Jess, he needs you, please... Jess? Jess!  
_

Jess blinked blindly, his eyes staring at their younger reflection, his head echoing with words (thoughts? his? hers? he wasn't even sure she ever _said _these)... _Oh, crap._

He hung his head back and closed his eyes.

It took him a moment to realize his reaction had scared her.

_Goddamn it, Mariano, she's just a kid, give her a break, will ya?_

And then another one to realize he didn't really _not_ _want_ to scare her.

_But you're you. You don't give people a break. And, sooner or later, you're gonna fail her, just as you failed anyone important in your life and as they did vice versa... _

_It's just what happens whenever someone starts to feel special, isn't it? And it's way better to lose someone **before** they've become special. This way, the pain will be short, bitter, and over._

_Otherwise, if you've missed that moment, the moment to detach, as you lose them at some point, you're gonna feel this constant dull feeling, something between betrayal and disappointment, and, what the hell, hate, too (some for the person and some for yourself). And you will have to carry it around, like a brick in your pocket, and it will eat at you, bring your head low and tug at your sense of reality whenever you try to feel free and detach yourself. Cause it'll be late now. It will be damn too late to detach now.  
_

_ Do this elegantly, tell her to let go of your jeans and bugger off.  
_

'Come on, let's go back downstairs,' he tried to pull away and forced a comforting smile, but failed miserably.

'No!' Doula said determinedly, refusing to let go of his jeans. 'Please read to me again.'

Jess noticed her hand was trembling slightly and sighed, suddenly feeling very tired.

_We shouldn't have started this. I shouldn't have allowed it._

'You've got plenty of people to ask that,' he pointed out, trying that stupid tone adults used to bargain with children. It sounded so dull, he made a mental note never to try it again. 'I can't be your Shrek, Doula,' he added sadly, seriously. He wasn't sure if he was making a confession of the truth or if he was trying to persuade himself that this was the truth.

She was gonna be an adult... some day. And she would have to accept life's hardships, swallow and move on. Life went like this and she had to understand it, at some point. He had. Since he was born.

'I want _you,_' she replied stubbornly, her eyes getting watery.

_ Jesus, can't we go through this without the crying part? Please? You're almost five, now, come on..._

'Why?' Jess asked, his voice coming out hard.

'Cause you don't think I'm gonna die.'

Jess opened his mouth and then closed it.

Doula stood before him, her lower lip slightly quivering, her breathing irregular. A beat passed before he felt able to speak.

'And do you?' he asked, his voice softer, paying careful attention to her reaction.

She shrugged and looked down.

'I don't know. Sometimes.'

Jess nodded slowly.

'Do you _believe_ it?' he asked just as seriously.

She shrugged helplessly. What was the difference?

'Come on, do as I do,' Jess bent to unlace his shoes and gave her a nod to follow suit.

She furrowed at his sudden change of mind, not sure what he was going to do, but reluctantly let go of his jeans and stepped out of her plush Flamingo slippers.

Then he made her a sign to take off her socks, too, doing so himself.

They stood barefoot on the terrace, breathing in the cool late October air. Then Jess walked slowly to the safety rail and as he reached it, he turned around to face her. Doula's eyes were bewildered, but following nevertheless.

As his back hit the safety rail, he threw a look back over his shoulder to check the situation. It was high. Not Empire State kind of high, but high enough for the rescue team to need a bottle for your liver to gather in, in case you fell down.

Jess checked Doula's expression and it bore a certain doze of terror.

'Do you trust me?' he asked quietly.

She nodded once. Fast and short.

_She didn't even have to think about it, didn't have to hesitate. She just knew. Jesus._  
'Okay,' he gave her a small comforting smile. 'Now I want you to come closer,' he said calmly.

Doula winced but nodded nevertheless.

'Doula,' he started in his most patient tone as he watched her lift her foot and make an effort to step forth but then put it down, staying rooted to the spot. 'Doula, I need you to come closer,' he repeated in a low soft voice, like a chant, and watched astounded as she started making little steps towards him, her eyes closed shut, her lips whispering something inaudible.

Jess thought something cracked. Maybe it was his firm belief that some things were just too hard to do and no one outgrew their own self.

As she almost reached him, he knelt down before her.

'Hey.'

She opened her eyes and immediately reached out to grasp at the sleeve of his jacket.

'You okay?' he asked with an almost conspiratorial smile.

Doula's breathing was shallow and her face was even more pale than usual, but she nodded, glancing at Mr Bear in her left hand.

'Okay,' Jess licked a lip. 'Now I will take you and lift you up in the air, and then I'm gonna put you down to step on the other side of the rail.'

He saw the pure horror in the kid's eyes and let out a breath slowly.

'I won't let go,' he said carefully. 'I... need you to trust me again... okay?'

_Trust me? Trust **me**!_ _I must be fuckin' out of my mind._

Doula stood still, too terrified to move or protest or even nod, her eyes wide and pleading.

_Take that for a yes._

Jess bit a lip and went round her, slowly sliding his forearms in her armpits and lifting her up effortlessly. She squeezed her eyes shut and pulled her feet up so that they didn't hit the rail. Jess closed his grip round her so that he was sure to hold her tightly. Her chest shook with a suffocated sob and then another.

'Doula, you can open your eyes,' Jess said in a low, steady voice. 'It's okay, I got you.'

As he heard the shrill squeal, Jess knew she had done what he had asked. He quickly lifted her up and then turned around to put her back down. The moment her feet touched the ground, Doula swiveled around and wrapped her hands round his neck tightly, sobs shaking her tiny form.

'It's okay,' Jess said, letting a breath out himself, ''ts okay. You're okay,' he repeated, his hands hanging beside his body numbly as she clung to him, the tiny hands encircling his neck.

'You don't believe you're gonna die, kid,' he said, slowly lifting his arms to put them around her in an awkward embrace. 'Everyone sometimes thinks they're gonna die. You don't. Not tonight.'

He felt her cheek damp against his own and for a moment he wasn't sure if it was only her tears he was tasting.

As they stood, waiting for their breathing to calm down, it occurred to him, that there was that _faintest_ chance that maybe, just _maybe_ this (whatever it was that they had with this kid with painted nails and Flamingo slippers) was as important to him as it was to her.

* * *

___~ So don't tell me if I'm dying, cause I don't wanna know;_  
_ If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go._  
_ Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming, of angels on the moon _  
_ Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon...~  
_

* * *

'Look, Jess, it's Rory!' Doula's excited voice tore Jess away from his lunch. 'Rory!' Doula ran towards the tall brunette who had just joined the queue in the cafeteria before Jess had time to protest, the fork stopping midway on its way to his mouth.

Great. Just great. He couldn't get rid of the kid, following him every step he made, and now there would be two of them. That was just great. And his day had barely started.

Rory's eyes traced Doula as she ran back to Jess and told him something. He replied and the girl chuckled shyly, making Jess' lips curve slightly up in a half-smile. Rory felt a bittersweet feeling as she remembered she had seen this smile before, years ago, it was meant for her only. Part of her felt happy he still had one of these, but another dropped as she realized he didn't have them for her anymore.

He asked Doula something and she waved in Rory's direction. Rory waved back, biting a lip through her smile.

Jess looked towards Rory and they exchanged a nod. _Civilized_. Why did she feel like she was on probation or something? It had been kind of 'play chicken' rounds ever since they first met, daring each other to see who would give in first, who would deliver the witty comment faster, who would read the other one shrewdly and then leave them speechless, score first. This time around, though, it was kind of different, cause their pride was at stake and if any of them screwed, they wouldn't be able to even face each other and pretend to lead a normal conversation. Like they would have to, now.

'Hey,' Rory pulled off a smile, approaching their table, coffee in hand. She took the seat opposite Jess, so that Doula stood between them. _Buffer. Pathetic. __Boy, do I feel like Alice ate the cake...  
_

_ ''What a curious feeling!' said Alice; `I must be shutting up like a telescope.'' _ Rory shook the thought off. What was it he was saying?

'Sorry?' she asked, coming back to reality.

Jess lifted his eyebrows and his eyes shifted once more between her and Doula.

'I said I can't believe you haven't gone through _The Wizard_ yet,' he repeated, leaning back in his chair, giving a nod towards the dog-eared book that was half sticking out of Rory's purse.

Somehow he always managed to make himself comfortable, lazy and nonchalant. Impartial. He couldn't care less if she was sitting on the same table. What do you know, he wasn't even here. He never blushed. If it weren't for his eyes, people would think he never actually listened.

'It was either _The Wizard_ or _Peter_,' Rory shrugged and drank from her coffee, evading his gaze.

As Rory started studying the cracks of her coffee mug, Jess let his eyes consume the sight of her contours, framed in the tight dark grey sleeve dress. She must have been at work and come here for the noon break. The V-neck was boldly low cut, and for a split second his eyes slid under the elastic of the dress, traveling over freckle-sprinkled smooth skin he had desperately tried to forget the feeling of, when molded against his own, when moving against each other was something as simple as breathing in and out... He felt his throat run dry and took a sip of his water before he leaned towards Doula conspiratorially.

'You should check _Matilda_,' Jess told Doula with a wink, 'I promise she's much more fun than _Alice_.'

Doula beamed.

'So said Rory,' the girl explained, putting Mr Bear up on the table, 'so we read _Matilda_ first. And then _Alice_. But then Rory told me about '_The Secret Garden_' and we read that one, too. And yesterday she said if we don't start _The Wizard_ this morning, we never would. You like _The Wizard_, Jess?' Doula asked enthusiastically.

'_How can such a good little girl like you destroy all of my beautiful wickedness_,' he quoted, making a wicked face and smirking with satisfaction as Doula started giggling.

Rory watched the interaction between them and thought that maybe the only woman in Jess' life who didn't disappoint him, was not a woman yet, she less than four feet tall, wore Shrek PJ's and Flamingo sleepers. And adored him unquestionably. The feeling reciprocated.

'You should be the Mad Hatter!' Doula suddenly declared, making Rory choke on her coffee and Jess' lips still in a silent '_Oh_'. 'For Halloween,' Doula explained enthusiastically, pulling Jess' sleeve, 'you should be the Mad Hatter, Jess!'

'Huh,' Jess smirked, eyebrow crooked up in amusement. 'Guess I got it half done, just have to find a hat, eh? And what about you, bookworm?' he asked mock seriously, tilting his head to the side and lacing his hands together in an exaggerated '_let me see what you've got'_ position.

'Dorothy,' Doula said with determination, 'So that Mr Bear can be Toto,' she added wisely and both Jess and Rory chuckled, their eyes meeting for a short moment. And for a split second, there was nothing else there than a shared glitter, blue meeting brown in pure joy, and for a short moment each had a smile for the other.

* * *

He had finished his third smoke and she was nowhere to be seen yet.

_Maybe, for a change, she's doing what any four (almost five, whatever) year old is supposed to be doing at this hour - sleeping in her bed._

'Sorry I'm late,' a tiny voice said behind him and, although he would rather paint his own nails pink than admit it, he felt a jump of joy as he heard her voice.

'Huh,' he tossed his Zippo once in the air and then sneaked it into his pocket, not turning back. 'Wanna come see a really ugly street cat?' he asked matteroffactly and as he didn't get an answer, he glanced back to see Doula making small cautious steps toward him, dragging Mr Bear in her right hand.

He was surprised to see she was only in her PJ's and thought she must have hurried really much to forget to put something warmer on. Jess took his jacket off and prepared it for her.

As she made her little unsteady steps towards him, he thought that this girl who weighed about as much as his travel bag, had more guts than most people he knew, including himself. She feared heights and he was only trying to bug her about it as he invited her to come closer, but now as he watched her move coyly but purposefully, he thought she couldn't be taking after Liz... she must have taken that backbone thing from... TJ? Huh. Maybe Liz was simply mistaken about who Doula's father was.

As she came closer, her breathing was rapid and she was really pale, her eyes blurry. Something wasn't right.

'You okay, kid?' Jess asked, frowning as he bent down to wrap the jacket around her. It covered her whole and still its ends were touching the ground. As Jess' fingers made contact, she was so warm, even through the fabric of the PJ's.

'Come on, let's go back to the wall,' he said with forced composure, not wanting to upset her.

As they made a step, she lost balance and Jess supported her, bending, wrapping a hand round her thin waist. He saw a thin black line grow wider, stretching from her nose, running down her cheek and chin. In the dark it looked black, but Jess knew it was in fact red.

'Doula...' he scooped her up in his arms, feeling her hand losing grip of his jeans. 'Doula?' his voice came out like a choked grasp for air.

She felt like a rag doll in his arms and his pulse rushed, blood pumping in his ears. His mind snapped and he ran for his life.

The night suddenly became quiet, moon rays falling over an empty rooftop, an open metal door and a stuffed bear toy.

* * *

**A/N: Review?...**


	6. Truth or Dare

Disclaimer: I own nothing, I'm poor, etc., etc.

The quote you'll encounter further in the chapter is _not mine_, it's from_ '18% Grey' by Zachary Karabashliev_; song lyrics used:_ 'Time Go' by Caught a Ghost_ and _'At the Bottom'_ _by Brand New_.

A/N: M contents, you've been warned...

**SPECIAL THANKS to each and every reader and reviewer - you made this story what it is /whatever that is:D/:)**

** And thank you, Anonymous, jane doe, lindseyb12321 and Izzy, I couldn't pm to tell you how happy your reviews make me!:):)**

_Long Last Chapter which I hope you'll enjoy..._

* * *

_~I'm in need of the answer, searching for questions, love would mean broken-hearted...~_

'Hey...'

Rory entered the hospital room cautiously, pausing at the door to take a quick look around. Still. The air in the room was still, perfectly void of any kind of movement. Air in solid state.

It was early, maybe four, maybe five a.m. The lights were still on from the previous night. He hadn't slept. In his place she wouldn't have, either, had she tried.

Her eyes skimmed around, registering the blood-stained sweater crumpled on the chair beside the door.

Her gaze paused on Jess' back. He was sitting on the bed, facing the window, his upper body resting forward on his hands, his feet hanging from the bed, hardly touching the floor. He looked like he was gonna stand up any second now. But he didn't. Like a photo, he seemed static, frozen in time.

Rory took a breath and went round the bed, leaving her purse at the foot. As she approached him, she stopped, her hands hanging stiffly by her sides. She had to tilt her head to be able to assess his face. It was frozen, like the rest of his body. There was a dry blood trace across his cheekbone; some more - over his white tee, where blood had soaked in through the sweater...

He didn't blink, didn't move, didn't tell her to bugger off and leave him the hell alone. She could hardly catch on the subtle rise and fall of his chest as he breathed. He seemed... blank.

Rory bit a lip and kept it between her teeth, lifting her left hand slowly, reaching out to him. Her fingertips barely touched his clavicle.

'Jess...' she whispered, her eyes seeking his but failing to establish contact. If she was to stand right before his eyes and windmill her hands before his face, he wouldn't even twitch.

She bit her lip again, harder, as if seeking for courage, and lay her palm flat over his shoulder, letting some of her arm's weight rest over him. He didn't react and she bent further to level her eyes with his. Then she felt it. A slight shift in his posture, the slightest lean to the right, like a wheat stem bent by breeze, he leaned into her half-embrace.

Rory felt something clutch at her throat and swallowed before carefully lifting another hand to reach him.

'I'm gonna hug you now,' she whispered and put the other arm around him across his chest, moving to sit at the end of the bed next to him.

'It's okay,' she continued quietly as she felt him rest against her. 'You're gonna be okay.'

* * *

_- Two Days Later - _

_~Days race by faster, it's a made up lesson and I've lost before I started...~_

Jess stopped as he heard the voices carrying from inside the room. There was some cheesy girlish music playing on the background, not really loud enough to depict.

As he came closer to the ajar door, he saw Rory holding Doula up in her arms, the kid's head was resting on Rory's shoulder and they were... _waltzing_?. _Jeez_...

He pondered between going back to his room and walking on into Doula's. He wouldn't walk in, he knew. He wasn't any good at waltzing, to begin with. He needed to be around, though, get some proof she was really still here.

He ran a hand through his hair and sat down on the floor beside the door, leaning against the wall, holding Mr Bear in his hands.

He hung his head back and closed his eyes.

'Rory?' he heard.

_Eavesdropping, Mariano? Really?_

Doula's voice.

_Childish. Needing protection._

'Yeah, babe?'

_Ready to deliver it. Caring. They don't need you here, man, now come on, move it already.  
_

Jess shifted to stand up, but stopped as he heard Doula's voice again.

'You have beautiful hair. You are so pretty. I wish I was pretty like you.'

_ Doula. She can be so girlish... for a good reason, that is._

'Are you kidding? Bald is the new pink, kiddo, remember this.'

_Rory. Freaky and positive. The Gilmore charm._

'No, it's not.'

_ Sad. She's so naive and the next moment she's all grown-up. She sounds bitter. Must be running in the family, huh?_

'Rory, why doesn't Jess come to see me?'

A breath hitched on its way.

_Cause he's a bastard, kid, that's why._

'Is he angry with me?'

_For having leukemia? Sure._

'He's not _angry_ with you, hon. He... he's just scared.'

_Rory The Mind Reader._

'What happened the other night was... It was really new to him, sweets. Remember how scared we all felt when that happened for the first time, three months ago?'

'Yeah. I was scared then, too.'

_And now you aren't?_

'Well, he feels the same way now and if you... if you can give him a little time, I think he'll pull it together, but he just needs some time, sweets, okay?'

'I miss him.'

_I miss you, too, kiddo._

'And he misses you, too, dear.'

* * *

_~A little white lie, a big black sky, your emptiness open on the dashboard...~_

She had prepared a whole mini-speech. She was gonna take him by the shirt and kick his ass until he picked himself up and went to see Doula. He had to face things, he who claimed not to care about anyone cared just too much but that was okay, caring wasn't that bad, he just had to let himself go, cause you can't run forever...

She entered his room and her mini-speech hung from her throat. She thought she was gonna sink under it's weight. The empty room screamed at her with a dozen different voices, all of them saying _'You saw this happening, you so knew it was happening'_.

She made a few numb steps and sat at the edge of a made-up empty bed.

* * *

_~You feel a lack of self and it's someone else telling you to try where you failed before...~_

To get some important answers, you have to ask yourself the right questions. Not_ can you do this_, but _do you really believe that you can't_?

_"Maybe with every new decision we try to correct past events, which is impossible and therefore we are condemned to failure..."_

Jess' eyes skimmed over the words once again, before he closed the book and hung his head back, letting his muscles stretch and then relax against the back of the leather sofa.

Twenty minutes later, as he looked at his own reflection in the smeary bathroom mirror of the cafe, he knew what he needed to do.

* * *

'Whoa, whoa, whoa... wait a minute,' Luke pulled Jess by the shirt just before he could enter Doula's room.

'What the...' Jess shook Luke's hand off his collar, a brow quirked up belligerently as he turned back to face his uncle.

Pause. Luke stared at Jess' hair. Or the lack of such. Jess stared at Luke staring at him.

'You must be kidding me,' Luke said at last, shaking his head in disbelief.

'I'm not laughing, am I?' Jess scoffed sarcastically.

'You shaved your hair,' Luke pointed out bluntly.

'So what? There's a rule against it or what?' he straightened up and crossed his arms before his chest.

'_Seriously_?' Luke put one hand akimbo, while the other was up in the air, pointing a finger at Jess' chest. 'You disappear for a day, no note, no call, no _nothing_, you don't answer your cell and _then_ you come here and you _shaved_ your hair... Are you _mocking_ her? Cause if you are, I tell you that...'

'What? I'm not _mocking_ her! Jesus...' Jess put his hands up in the air. _Really, Luke? You think I'm _that_ screwed up?_

Luke blinked.

'If you're not _mocking_ her, that's actually...' he gestured towards Jess' head.'... it's _nice,_' Luke finished, surprised at his own words.

'Forget it,' Jess shook his head, casting a sideways glance towards Doula's door.

'You're nice,' Luke declared pensively, as if he was in the middle of solving a puzzle.

'Whatever,' Jess rolled his eyes and gestured towards the door. 'Can I go now, _coach_?'

'Yeah,' Luke said absentmindedly, 'Sure. Go. She's been asking all about you, anyway.'

* * *

'Tell me that's not Barbie what you're watching,' Jess groaned emphatically as he entered the room.

'Jess!' Doula squealed and jumped off the bed tearing herself from Liz's embrace to throw herself at him, but stopped midway. 'What happened to your hair?' she asked curiously, surprised.

Jess bent over his knee and shrugged a shoulder.

'I heard someone say bald was the new pink.'

Doula clapped her hands with delight and made a sharp high-pitched noise of joy before her arms were wrapped tightly around Jess' neck. His eyes met Liz's and he saw a glint in them before he averted his look.

___You've been through hell. Now I know. _I'm still not talking to you.  


'Kid, I need to breathe at some point.'

'Jess?' she whispered in his ear, quietly, conspiratorially, her hands still encircled round his neck.

'Huh?'

'You _rock_,' she whispered, her cheek pressing into his.

* * *

_~ Where does the time go? I don't know_  
_It's moving off the deep end_  
_Like I'm moving in slow-mo(tion)_  
_Now reach, I'll go_  
_It passes too quick to see me...~_

And now you'll feel sleepy, the man behind the mask had said. A last look towards the next bed. Doula was lying, her head turned towards him, her lips slightly parted behind the oxygen supply mask. He gave her a wink. She smiled.

_Night, Doula._

_Night, Jess._

A blinding blaze of light.

_Is there gonna be a guy with a harp?_

And then someone switched him off.

Voices. Blurred and distant, coming through analgesic haze. He wasn't there. He wasn't _anywhere_, his atoms _floating_ into sweet nothingness.

'Hey...'

He opened his eyes. Then opened them again. And again. He wasn't sure which time he managed to grasp her outlines.

_Hey, Rory. You look nice. No, wait. You **rock**. And **I** rock. Huh! We **all** _rock_.  
_

'Is he okay?'

_Of course I'm okay! Don't I look like I'm okay? I'm **smashing **okay.  
_

He tried to speak, tell her he felt fuckin' fabulous, but his jaw was like cement. _Hey_, that was cause he _wasn't in his body_, he was _floating_. _Rright_.

He grinned sheepishly, meeting Rory's concerned gaze.

* * *

'Hey. How are you feeling?'

The room spun around and he closed his eyes, rubbing his lids with a thumb and forefinger. He felt nauseous.

'Plastered,' he groaned. 'Am I being kidnapped? Again?' he asked as he managed to stabilize the room in his sight. This room didn't belong in a hospital.

Rory put the book she had been reading aside and left it on the coffee table beside the - what was that he was lying on, - couch?

'My place. Living room. Luke's idea.' she rambled.

'Huh.'

'There was a bus crash,' she added, as if remembering that single fact was enough to explain everything.

'I was in it?' he asked, not really bemused, pinching the bridge of his nose. He felt cold. And sick, he felt like he was gonna spill his guts any moment now.

'No! God, _no_. I mean, they needed the beds, you know, in the hospital, so Luke asked if it was okay if you stayed here, and since you were kind of... drugged, we thought it would be best if you got some sleep... Ehm, you need something? Water? Food? You hungry? Cause I have some take away in the fridge...'

Jess felt his stomach twitch at the mention of food and he was really nauseous.

'Water's fine.'

'Oh. Okay.'

By the time she was back, he had drifted off again.

...

'What time is it?' he muttered to himself and was a bit surprised as he got an answer.

'Half past six. Afternoon,' she added as she saw his confused look.

Right. He was at her place. It was afternoon. He needed to pee.

'I need to use the...'

'Here,' she gestured to the corridor. 'First one to the left.'

He splashed cold water over his face. Then again. Again. Better.

She had poured herself a drink. _Interesting._ He had never seen her drink.

'Truth or dare?' she asked, watching him with a weird look as he entered the room. She was sitting on a high stool next to the kitchen bar plot.

'What?' he asked, slightly amused.

She shrugged and turned the glass around slowly between her fingers.

'Truth or dare?' she repeated, her voice blunt.

'Huh,' he smirked, looking around for his backpack. He saw it propped to the couch. He would get his stuff and go. He could catch the next bus to New York. And then, on the plane to Philadelphia, he would wonder what the hell had gotten into her tonight.

He approached the coach and threw her a quick sideways glance. Instead of bending for his backpack, he sat on the couch, draping an arm over the back.

'Dare,' he tilted his head to the side, his lips curving into a crooked smile.

'Name every album of _The Clash_.'

'You're kidding me, right?'

'Nope.'

'Alphabetically or by date of release?' he smirked, propping his feet on the coffee table.

...

Truth.

Where did you go that night, after the gas station?

Dean. Say I was sorry. That it didn't work. That I denied it for so long.

...

Dare.

Pick a book. Read a favorite paragraph.

Bukowski. _Post Office_.

...

Truth.

Been embarrassed in public?

Got arrested. For stealing a yacht.

Nah, really?

Don't laugh, it was The Dark Ages. Come on now, stop laughing. Jess...

What? You're gonna throw me in the Rory Dungeon? Besides, you're laughing, too.

Yeah, but it's _between a laugh and a tear_.

Huh.

...

Dare.

Wash my dishes.

Real nice, Rory, to invite me over while I'm half unconscious and then make me do the dishes, real nice...

...

He had washed her dishes, made a love confession to her room dieffenbachia in its pot by the window, imitated Taylor holding an Anti-Jess Stars Hollow Meeting, making her roll with laughter in the process.

She had told him about her funniest DAR screw-up, admitted her mom had dated Kirk (_Huh!_), confessed Ayn Rand wasn't her top favorite writer anymore (_But I'm never giving up on her, she's an outstanding author, and I'm sticking to my word! Stop smirking! Jess!_) and answered her grandfather's most beloved pajamas were silken dark red (_Jeez, gross... I regret asking, I'm never gonna get over the image..._).

'Truth or Dare?' she asked, her tone considerably more cheerful. She had shifted to sit from the bar stool to the armrest of the couch, one foot dangling freely and watched him as he stood up to pour himself another glass of water.

The mood had lightened to a playful flair, mostly due to his dare performances.

'Truth,' he said to her surprise after he downed the glass.

When he turned to face her, their eyes locked and there was a shift in hers. She licked a lip before asking,

'Do you think we'll ever have another chance, I mean you and I?'

Within seconds his look went blank. Just like that, as if someone had switched a light off. A beat of silence.

'Dare,' he sighed.

She stood up from the couch armrest and crossed the room, leaning forward. He watched with deliberate disinterest.

'Kiss me.'

'What?' he chuckled dryly.

She leaned closer and raised her eyebrows provocatively. _If it didn't mean anything, why should you care?_

She had leaned forward and stopped midway, her hands akimbo, a stubborn glint in her blue eyes. What was she trying to prove, goddammit? Why should she mess with him? Every time he tried to break this magnet that kept their distance short, mindless what they had been through, every time he tried to pull away, she decided to fetch him back.

Her eyes were wide and he thought he saw a silent plead in them, not sure if it was a plead to move closer or move away. Jasmine. Her perfume came in with the air he breathed and filled his lungs, sweet poison closing tight circles round his chest, sending a warm wave that spread over his body, making his skin tingle with the memory of her molding against him. That's the way a magnet worked, right? When close enough, it suddenly pulled.

In the snap of a moment he closed the distance between them and his lips crashed against hers, his hands taking hold of her face, keeping her in place as he deepened the kiss, tilting his head to change angle.

He had tried to erase her taste off his lips by kissing a forgotten number of nameless girls, trying to rub her off his skin by letting other women have their way with him. Yet, the moment he tasted _her_ again, it was all over - that realization that this, _this_ was different. With her, it was different.

She wasn't the sexiest, the most seductive, the sluttiest or most innocent, wasn't the best kisser or even the best lay he had ever had... Analytically, she wasn't special, not in a pure physical sense. He had had enough of experience to be aware how to estimate sex. And he had had enough late nights, early mornings and occasional lunch breaks to tell that, with her, sex was different not because of technique or special circumstances... it was different cause it was _complete_.

It wasn't about just the physical experience and the heat, or just about having feelings, if even it was their shadows still lingering from the past, a memory of being in love. It wasn't just because of their history. Or just because _even though_ their history, she had been through all this with him, from beginning to end. She kidnapped him when he was confused, yelled at him when he was being an ass, put her hands around him and let him bury his face in her neck so that he could close his eyes and feel even the faintest hint of comfort, when he felt lost. It was that only with her he had all aspects of it, and somehow, nothing could compare to _that_.

Rory felt as if she was falling, the cable of her elevator suddenly snapped and she was losing herself. Her wrists crossed behind his neck, pulling his head even closer, while her lower body arched to press further against him.

'Sometimes I feel like I'm trapped in a body that wants you, and sometimes my mind's its accomplice,' he breathed out as their foreheads pressed against one another.

She held a breath against the corner of his mouth and her eyes closed, barely realizing she was still on her toes. The back of his shirt was balled in her hands and she was clinging on to him.

'I miss us,' she whispered and her lips brushed his with the words.

He lost grip of his cool. His pulse raced, blood rushing through his body, pounding in his ears. He had remembered bits and pieces. What the hell, he had _fantasized_ this (and yes, he admitted to himself that he had portrayed it - different scenarios, but they all came up to one thing) too many times and now that it was happening, he couldn't stop himself.

As she opened her eyes, their looks met for a split second before they were tangled in another frenzy of searching lips and groping hands. He made a few steps forward, his hands roaming her as he guided her backwards until her back pressed flush against the bar plot, and the next moment he scooped her up, turned them around and placed her over the counter.

Her hands had sneaked under the cotton of his tee, enjoying the feeling of warm taunt skin and the way it responded to her touch. Palms sliding up, trailing their way up and down from his belly to his chest. One hand rested flat over his ribs, right where his heart was trying to break free from its cage.

Each her move evoked electricity jolts down his spine, spreading all over, waking a stir that had an autonomic reign over his body, rushing his hands further, discarding any piece of clothing that stood in their way.

First time was fast, needy, tasting like months of piled up longing.

As she guided them to her bedroom later on, he let her push him down on her bed and straddle him. Slowly, her fingertips traced his face, pausing on his cheekbones, outlining his jaw, hesitating over his lips. Down his chest, her palms slid smoothly but purposefully and as her hips ground harder against him, his breath hitched, the knot in his stomach tying up, his eyes squeezing shut.

When he opened his eyes and they locked with hers, it wasn't the expected lust he saw in them. She was _looking_ at him, cause she _saw_ him. She saw him for what he was. And she _looked_ at him with _tenderness_. _Huh_. _That_ was the exact reason he shouldn't have let her get to him again, cause there would be always that sickening gap between her an any other nameless girl. They somehow always stayed nameless, all those other girls, they never really got further than his skin, and she got _under_. And it made him sick.

What the hell were they doing? First time, in Truncheon, it could pass for unfinished business. High school sweetheart, what would it be like, etc., etc. Tonight, what was it?

She had leaned down and her lips softly brushed over his, her fingers cradling his face gently. She was turning this into goddamn _love making_.

He let a breath out sharply and shifted, taking hold of her wrists, using them as leverage to flip them around, switching places. As he hovered over her, he leaned and took his time, enjoying her shallow breathing at his ministrations and the feeling of her giving in, melting under him, a treacherous voice whispering at the back of his mind that, no matter how hard he tried, he would never be able to make it completely _not_ love making between them.

_You never are what you intend, or invent, _the lyrics ricocheted in his head. _Some men die under the mountain just looking for gold, some die looking for a hand to hold._

But it was a fucked up life if you had to spend it surrounded by nameless people. Some of them had to have a name. They just had to.

He lost himself in her again.

Second time was slow, calculated, consuming. Her fingernails were digging scars in his back, but he kept moving with an agonizing pace and a little more forcefully than he would normally do. Trying to leave a mark.

* * *

_~You pack up your gun, make your best run, your thinking isn't breaking any new ground...~_

_'I hate this.' _

_'You should. I'm sorry.'_

_'I thought everything was fixed.'_

_'Everything but him.'_

_'You came here alone to Philadelphia, you drove all the way here just to get a revenge fuck?'  
_

_'Jess, it's not like this, please lis...'  
_

_'You need to go now.'_

_'Jess...'_

_'_Don't_. Don't start this act on me, okay? You got what you came for. Now go.' _

_He stood by the window and watched as she went out of the building, adjusting her purse on her shoulder, wiping her face, getting smaller and smaller until she was lost in a sea of nameless people. He stood numb, staring into nothingness. When he turned back towards the room, he grabbed the closest chair with both hands, picked it up and started thrashing it against the rest of the furniture, trying to cause as much damage as he felt in himself.  
_

Jess opened his eyes.

He didn't need to look at her to know she was there, he _felt_ her all over himself, his arms around her torso, one palm flat over her belly, another one wrapped round her shoulders, his chest pressed against her back, his knee between hers. His body had betrayed him while he was sleeping. He took a breath and jasmine filled his lungs. He felt nauseous, a sickening feeling of skin burning, everywhere it was in touch with hers. He tried to pull away but her hands were over his. Securing his embrace.

_You never are what you intend. Or invent. Shit.  
_

'You're up early,' Rory yawned and padded barefoot over the floor a couple of minutes later. She was still sleepy and the end of the sheet she had wrapped around herself was dragging loosely after her. As she saw him, she stopped in her track, suddenly awake. 'You're leaving.'

He was fully clothed, his backpack lying open in his feet.

_Without a word_, she added mentally. _You were gonna leave without a word. Cause that's what you do.  
_

He rubbed the nape of his neck.

'Yeah. Gonna grab some coffee on the way to the station.'

'You could have coffee here. Still can.' Hope. Fear. Hurt.

_Are you gonna turn back on me? Again, time after time?  
_

He exhaled through his nose.

'I'm not your pro bono case, you don't have to feed me after...' he trailed off, making an indefinite gesture with his hand.

Her brows knit. _What are you talking about?_ And then it struck her. The room closed in. Her fists balled the sheet, her knuckles pale. She took a sharp breath and it scratched her throat. Her mouth felt dry, the words grazing their way out.

'What we had wasn't meaningless sex,' she said firmly, stubbornly.

'Technically, no sex is,' he shrugged, an arrogant smirk pulling at his lips.

_Cocky bastard._

'You know what I mean,' she crossed her arms before her chest belligerently, her move causing one end of the sheet to slip down loose and reveal a good portion of her shoulder and back.

_I miss us_, echoed in his head.

Jess licked a lip. His mouth felt sticky. He needed to get outta here. _Now_. His eyes searched for the backpack.

'It's physiology, Rory, you used to be good at school, figure it out.' Absentminded cruelty while his eyes glazed over her shoulder, towards the door. _Zip that backpack and go. While you still can._

'What you told me...'

Her voice was so gentle, so vulnerable. Suddenly she seemed impossibly slender in the white sheet.

'Don't read too much into words,' he shrugged it off. _Ask me if I care._

'You were trapped in a body that wants me?' she challenged, making a step forward. _Why are you doing this? _

'Huh, I must have been really high,' he noted coldly. _Bite me._

She wavered at the icy vibe in his voice but then a spark of anger lit up, igniting a fire over her cheeks. She made a few more steps forward so that she stood mere inches from him, a dangerous flash in her eyes. Lightning crossing stormy blue.

'You were still on that bus, the one you got on when we met before you left, you've been traveling on it ever since, cause what you set off to search, you never really fo...'

While she spoke, blood drained off his face, he worked his jaw and when he cut in, his voice was dry, distant.

'Wanna know what I tell other girls in bed? _Really_? Guess not. I'm a writer, Rory, words are supposed to fucking do the trick for me. Do you know how many pairs of eyes I've tried to get lost into, searching for that exact hue of blue which pulls a chord in my heart and makes my mind snap into these memories again? Or no, try this one, they all call my name with your voice, but, when they speak, they never say the right things, when I push them up against the wall they never make me wanna kiss back and I can never lose myself in them, when they scream...'

_Slap_! There it was. He had almost begged for it. Now he got it. His cheek burnt with the accusation and anger he never really got from her when he deserved them, years ago... Jeez, this slap was so _overdue_. So damn overdue.

Their eyes locked into a silent battle. Blue versus brown.

_Do you know I never found your hue of blue?_

_Do you know I never stopped waiting for that bus?_

He remembered reading somewhere that once you were nine years old, you were also eight, and seven and six... you couldn't just stop being these - they were also you, after all. Every other moment would add a new layer, but you couldn't erase what you already were. Maybe it was true. Maybe he would always be in love with her, the way he was when he was eighteen, and nineteen, and twenty. But there was also this layer of hate - yeah, he hated her, not really much, but some... and maybe she would hate him, too, after today, from this moment on, she would hate him just a little bit, too. And you couldn't just peel these off cause they didn't fit - after all, these feelings were also you, right?

_So, you don't love me anymore?  
_

_Not much. But... Well, what is much?_

'I don't wanna do this over, Jess. This hurt-you-hurt-me thing, I don't wanna play this anger ball ping pong with you.'

There is a certain type of cruelty you have only for the ones that you... love?

_Love, huh?_

Yeah.

For a moment the image of a thin red line staining the white sheet crossed his mind and he let out a sigh. _You're a sadistic bastard, Mariano._ A brief flash of guilt passed through his eyes and reflected in hers just before it was gone.

'I don't, either.'

'Then don't go. Stay for lunch. Coffee. Muffin. Whatever. Don't go like this.'

Her silent plead met a stubborn glint in his brown eyes and she lost it.

'For God's sake, Jess, do you have to _punish_ me for the rest of my life? Am I _that_ hideous that you can _never_ forgive me or at least let me have a proper conversation with you about what happened that night at Truncheon? I try to make things better, God knows I _try_, I try to talk to you, I try to be patient, I try to show that I care, cause I do - about you, Jess, I care enough to put myself through all this, but I can't rewrite our history, won't you ever let me explain...'

'_You broke my heart_, Rory!'

She froze at the force of his words. Blink. Wait. Breathe.

As cliche as the phrase was, she felt its weight by the way his voice cracked. He was as honest as when... when he told her that he loved her. A beat. Then another one. Seconds stretched over one another, time dripping in slow motion. And then the moment was over.

When she spoke, her voice was calm, even. Comforting.

'It gets better... in time. Doesn't go away but... gets better... eventually.'_  
_

_'I think I may have loved you, but I ... I just need to... let it go.'_

She couldn't fight him anymore. She had been beating herself up for what she had done, repeated that he was fazed, he would fume and growl and then he would be able to forgive, the way she had forgiven him, years ago... She had tried to persuade herself that she could fix this - fix them. But she couldn't survive another round. Who could force time? She couldn't. So... what did they do now?

'I... Maybe... maybe we'll catch up in a better of time,' he said calmly, as if reading her thoughts. A mixture of disappointment and hope. They were still on that bus.

'Jess...'

'It's what it is - you, me...' he continued, resuming his composure completely. 'I know my way,' he added, gesturing towards the door.

He paused at the doorstep. He breathed her in. He breathed her out. And that was that. It was over.

* * *

_~I think that this could be the last one, Jimmy_  
_Why don't you come and take this last one with me?_  
_I gotta say that it's good to be home_  
_Sometimes I miss you when I'm out there alone...~_

The glass doors of Morgan Stanley Children's Hospital slid open and then closed. With her back to the entrance, Rory Gilmore stood and watched as an ambulance pulled into the hospital's parking lot and made a semicircle towards the ER. Another race, ambulance lights flying over the streets. Another shift for the driver. Another life. Another story. A chain of stories, actually. Like a domino. Should've-s, could've-s, pulling domino blocks down in different directions.

'Hey.'

She felt like her mouth was full of cotton. She turned to look at him without saying anything back.

His eyes looked different... calm, settled. He had found his center. It seemed.

Was it revenge what had balanced his scales? Getting it back at her, to make them even? _Oh, boy..._

She quivered. A rabbit heart pounced against her ribs, her eyes dilated. _Why are you here_, she wanted to know. But she wouldn't ask. Couldn't. Her throat was tight and she was tired. God, she was so tired.

'I came to say goodbye,' he said as if he had read her unspoken question.

_Doula._

She gave him a silent nod.

'I'll be in town, next month. Can I...' he exhaled noisily, focusing on his shoes. 'Can I call you?'

* * *

_A/N: Congrats to everyone who made it to the last chapter!  
_

_ My original idea was to take this to a point where I tell a story and leave the end sort of open... I wanted it to be five or six chapters, so this one I've got down and it _is_ sort of open-ended... However, I still don't know if I managed to get the storyline and characters dynamics through right, it's too early for me to see cause I'm too deep into the story now and my vision is blurred..._

_ Anyway, actually you're the ones to judge and let me know through your reviews /or pm-s, or smoke signals, maybe a nice fruit basket/. ____I'm gonna miss this story...;( _

_THANK YOU for joining me on this ride, hope it's been as much fun for you as it's been for me:) _


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